A Semi-Dispatch: Smokey Joe Lieberman as Rancid Cockroach of the Earth

“Americans have always lived on the sunrise side of the mountain.”

-Almost No Longer President George W. Bush

The Republicans who took the stage last night and the night before are the vilest brand of human scum walking the Earth today. And yet, it’s hard to do anything but stare at the screen in disbelief, or perhaps write aghast away messages. The reason for this is simple: the leaders of today’s Republican party are beneath us. They are hardly people. It’s as if God put them on Earth so there would be a foil for decency, intelligence and truth, or perhaps as a rebuttal to the case for evolution. Looking at them, listening to them or thinking about them is a waste of the very life that Republicans find so precious unless it is poor, black or being destroyed by American wars in foreign countries.

Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee’s speeches aren’t even worth bothering with. Once a loser, always a loser- the Lieberman Principle, to be precise. Wait, actually, I do have a word or two to say about Lieberman. Of all the horrific people who dare soil the name ‘statesman,’ he is absolutely in the top three, along with Rumsfeld and Cheney, destined to replace Brutus, Cassius and Judas in the Ninth Circle of Dante’s Inferno.

Let’s be clear: Lieberman was always a total loser. He was the guy so lame he made Gore look like the vibrant one on the 2000 ticket, and he was so soft on Cheney in the vice-presidential debate that people came away actually liking the Monster. In 2002, during the Lamest Presidential Campaign in History, I got to pin Smokey Joe down on why his name was listed on a statement by the American Council of Trustees and Alumni, a fanatical right-wing group supporting the suppression of academics and students speaking against the war in Afghanistan. Lieberman said his name had been placed on the list by mistake, and that he did not think those who opposed the war were unpatriotic. Turns out Lieberman was lying through his teeth- the motherfucker FOUNDED the organization with Lynne Cheney in 1995.

His next appearance on campus he managed to go an entire stump speech without garnering a single round of applause, and cleared a quarter of the room when he blamed domestic violence on “video games like Grand Theft Auto.” For Lieberman, self-righteousness and tone deafness is a mark of pride, so it was no surprise when he scheduled an event in liberal Hanover a week before the New Hampshire primary at a small coffee shop, and had no one show up except his staffers. He ended up on freezing cold Main Street, harassing unsuspecting voters who thought they were being chased by a giant beagle.

Realizing he had no future in the leadership of the Democratic Party, Lieberman used the War in Iraq as an opportunity to become Fox’s Favorite Democrat, which worked out great for him until he lost the Democratic Primary to a political neophyte whose only qualification for the Senate was that he wasn’t Joe Lieberman. Let the people be reminded that Lieberman actually made the argument that Democratic primary voters would hurt the Party’s 2008 chances by voting for Lamont! His argument was that Democrats would then be seen as “cutting and running” (holler if you remember that phrase), in contrast to the Bush-McCain-Lieberman plan, which is to stay in Iraq until we’ve properly riled up enough meatheads to support an invasion of another brown-skinned country. Of course, his argument didn’t work, so he ran as an Independent, winning narrowly after taking almost all of the Republican vote. He promised to remain an Independent-Democrat though, in exchange for the right to keep his powerful committee posts, like Chairman of the Armed Services Committee.

And what an Independent-Democrat he was! Lieberman quickly became McCain’s Reggie Love, a personal assistant reminding him of the difference between Iraq and Iran, Sunni and Shiite, even cruising on the Straight Talk Express when John McCain wasn’t on it, like the time it crashed into a van (an event described as “bursting with metaphors”). Most Democrats were appalled, but hardly surprised, when Lieberman endorsed John McCain. “Fear not,” Smokey Joe said, “it’s not like I’m going to speak at the Republican Convention.” But sign up to speak he did- in the keynote spot- a more prominent role in endorsing John McCain than George Bush himself, who spoke via television satellite earlier in the night.

Incidentally, I curled up by the TV in anticipation of how Bush could possibly justify the last eight years of his life before a national audience. Turns out he took the path of least resistance, sticking to praising John McCain, and vowing that McCain was tough enough to “survive the Angry Left.” His only other notable line, posted at the top here, is so bewildering that I’ll post the full quote here, lest anyone accuse me of quoting it out of context:

“In the time the Oval Office has been in my trust, I've kept near my desk reminders of America's character -- including a painting of a West Texas mountain lit by the morning sun. It reminds me that Americans have always lived on the sunrise side of the mountain.”

When you figure out what that means, get back to me. Jacob Press pointed out that when you are on the top of a mountain, you can see the sunrise from anywhere. Maybe that’s it…

Anyway, after lying about being a strong Democrat in 2006, lying about supporting the Democratic candidate in 2008, and lying about speaking at the Republican Convention, Lieberman’s final lie was that during his speech at the Convention he would not go negative on Obama, though that is almost entirely what he did, wildly distorting facts about Obama’s record as hack-ishly as Zell Miller did Kerry’s four years ago. Unlike Zell Miller, Joe Lieberman did not challenge Chris Matthews to a duel, but that’s probably because he’s too big of a pussy, and would rather send a bunch of enlisted soldiers to do it for him instead. Because that’s what Tough On Defense politicians do.

I realize hammering at Joe Lieberman on paper is like smashing a piñata with a wooden baseball bat, even though it’ll never be as satisfying as a fistic smash to his sagging jowls. My only regret is that political revenge on Lieberman is nearly impossible- he is well aware that he will be stripped of his posts come January, and he’ll retire in 2012 to avoid certain defeat at re-election. Polls show that if a Connecticut election were held today, Lamont would crush him. One thing we can do is make sure that every day Joe Lieberman spends between now and January of 2013 is as miserable as possible, so that he can retire not a dignified statesman, but as the coward, the traitor and the phony he really is.